The Art of Self-Empathy

My approach here is strongly influenced by my training in Nonviolent Communication (and also has resonance with the work of the Compassionate Listening Project, and the teachings of Thich Nhat Hahn). 

In the same way that we can bring mindful (non-judgemental) attention to the feelings of another person, we can also bring that attention to our own feelings. I refer to this self-empathy. 

In my experience, the benefits of self-empathy can include:
  • Developing greater clarity about what you are wanting / longing for - this makes it easier to take steps to pursue what you are wanting, and to ask other people for support with getting it. 
  • Finding greater peace and calm by accepting whatever we are feeling and experiencing.

Self-empathy is helpful as part of everyday life, and can be particularly valuable when we are in conflict situations. 

Observing what we are feeling

The foundation of self-empathy is a practice of observing what we are feeling without evaluating it. We might observe our feelings and emotions by:
  • Noticing our 'intuitive' response to the question, 'how am I feeling?'
  • Observing how we feel in our bodies - is there a sense of tiredness? agitation? heaviness? Is there a particular place in our body where we feel it?
  • Observing patterns of thought - is our mind moving quickly or slowly? does it keep returning to the same topics? Is it making negative judgements about others, or ourselves?

Example: If I am facing a set of important exams, I may discern that I am feeling tired, anxious, fed up and scared (and also perhaps excited and hopeful!). I might notice tension in particular parts of my body, such as around my head, or in my neck. And there may be patterns of thought about how well (or badly!) I am likely to do in the exams.

Deepening our connection

Often, it can be helpful to go beyond identifying what we are feeling, to explore why we are feeling that. In Nonviolent Communication the practice is to explore what the need behind the feeling is - what was it that you were wanting that you did not get? 
  • A need is a basic (fundamental) want that all humans share, such as learning, play, safety, or love. 
  • In the Compassionate Listening Project workshops that I attended, the trainer described needs as values , and I have also them described as longings or yearnings. 

Identifying the needs behind our feelings can help us gain acceptance of our feelings, and achieve a sense of empowerment about how we can improve life for ourselves.

For example:
  • I am feeling fed up because I am really wanting to spend time with friends (and instead I am revising) --> I wonder if there are ways of spending more time with friends whilst I revise? Perhaps we can take breaks together?
  • I am feeling anxious and scared because I really want to progress in my career / studies (and I am thinking that good exam results are necessary for that) --> being connected with how much I want to progress in my career / studies can help motivate me to revise.

Practices of self-empathy

I have encountered may ways to approach self-empathy - some practices that I have found helpful include:
  • Writing about how I am feeling, and what I am needing
  • Asking a friend to offer me empathy whilst I talk about what I am feeling and needing
  • Practising meditation - my main experience has been with Vipassana meditation, where the objective is to observing body sensations. (One of my next projects is to explore the practice of Focusing, which has a similar goal). 
  • Practising yoga - particularly in conjunction with meditation. 




Are you interested in learning more, and applying this approach in your day to day life? Check out one of my workshops in Oxford.