The Art of Mindful Self-Expression

My approach here is strongly influenced by my training in Nonviolent Communication (and also has resonance with the work of the Compassionate Listening Project, and the teachings of Thich Nhat Hahn). 

When we are in conflict with a person, what do we want to achieve by expressing our point of view to them?

In my experience, I want them to hear me and understand my perspective. I may also want to improve the situation by asking them to do something, and having them do it from a place of choice and freedom. 

Example: Suppose that I have a friend that has frequently turned up late for our weekly meetings. I may want reassurance that he understands what it is like for me to wait around for him, and also to find ways to improve things in the future.  

Strategy 1: Demonstrate acceptance and understanding towards the other person 

If the other person senses that you offer them acceptance and understanding, they are more likely to offer it back to you. 
  • This can be demonstrated by offering them empathy before we express our own point of view.
  • It is also important to show acceptance and understanding in the way that we speak about the other person and their behaviour. This does not mean that we agree with everything that they have said and done. Rather, it means that we simply make an observation of what they have been doing - without blaming or judging them. 

Example: I may begin by asking the friend, 'the last two times we met up, you have arrived over thirty minutes after the time we agreed, without letting me know in advance [observation] - I'm wondering if everything is ok with you?' [offer of empathy].  

I could then listen to their response before expressing how I was feeling. Perhaps they will say something like, 'It is these work meetings! Its a nightmare - they keep overrunning.'

Strategy 2: Clearly describe how their behaviour has impacted you

If we want the other person to empathise with us, it will help if we can clearly explain to them how their behaviour has impacted us. This will be easier if we have done some self-empathy in advance.
  • We can begin by telling them what feelings they behaviour stimulated in us (such as sadness, disappointment, frustration etc.)
  • To help them understand why we feel the way we do, we can explain what we were wanting (or needing) that we did not get (e.g. connection, consideration, ease, etc.).  

Example: 'When you arrive over thirty minutes after the time that we agreed upon, I feel disappointed and frustrated [feelings] because I really value our time together [need].

Strategy 3: Make a clear request for a change that benefits both of you

To improve the situation, we may want to identify a change in behaviour that the other person can implement. Some things that I have found to be helpful include:
  • Finding a change that will improve things for both you and the other person - if you do this, they are more likely to co-operate, and to act from a place of choice. 
  • Asking for what we do want to happen, rather than what we do not want to happen
  • Making a request that is actionable - making it clear to the other person what you would like them to do and when. 

Example: 'I'd really like to find a way of meeting up that helped us make the most out of our time together - in the next couple of days, would you suggest two or three times at which we could meet that would make it easier for you to turn up on time?"


Are you interested in learning more, and applying this approach in your day to day life? Check out one of my workshops in Oxford.