The Art of Empathy

In the way that I wish to use the word 'empathy', when we empathise with another person, we pay attention to what they are feeling and needing, without judging them. 

It is a learnable skill, and one that gives great gifts to both the giver and the receiver:

• The giver of empathy has the opportunity to see the other person as a human being, helping to release any anger towards that person, and build a sense of warmth and care.
• The receiver of the empathy (where the empathy is demonstrated) enjoys a sense of being heard and seen - receiving empathy can also help them deepen their own self-understanding. 

Empathic Listening

One key way of offering empathy to another person is to listen to them. This is to give them space to share what is alive for them, and to hear them attentively, without judgement. I identify four components of empathic listening:

(1) Self-care: am I in an emotional place right now where I am able to give this person the deep and caring attention that they deserve? (if not, is there another time that we can find for this).

(2) Forming an intention to 'be with' the other person: the intention is to listen to them and understand what is going on for them, without trying to judge them or fix their problems (helping suggestions may come later, after the empathy).

(3) A practice of verbal mirroring: this is when the listener offers back to the speaker a summary of what they have understood, to check that they have understood correctly. This gives the speaker a sense of being heard, and also gives opportunities for corrections. For example, the listener might say, 'it sounds like you are feeling really sad about this?', 'are you annoyed because you were wanting more consideration from that person?'. 

(4) An openness to emotional resonance. To deeply understand another person, it can be helpful to 'resonate' with what they are feeling. For example, if they are feeling sadness and grief, we might feel something of that pain. This can help us to fully grasp the depth and meaning of what is going on for the other person. Emotional resonance might also be described as 'listening with the heart', or 'intuitive listening'. 

Empathic listening is a skill that can be practised, and is useful in a wide variety of context including:

• Supporting friends when they are going through difficulties
• Bringing a sense of calm and understanding to conflict situations

Are you interested in learning more, and applying this approach in your day to day life? Check out one of my workshops in Oxford.